A Winn3r Is You! One Piece From Victory!
by ngrey651
Summary: My entry for avatarjk137's contest. Smoker, Tashigi, Coby and Helmeppo enter a fighting tournament at the UN's behest in the name of stopping a fiendish plan! An action-packed parody of all action/adventure movies.
1. Introduction

**This is for avatarjk137's "A Winn3r Is You" contest. I hope it's up to snuff. I'm a biiiit nervous about all this. **

**Also, if you don't like action-movie cliches, then this story is not for you...cuz it's gonna have a lot. It's meant to parody the whole genre, after all. ^_^  
**

* * *

"You're positively sure that this was where we were to meet?" The cigar-chompin' individual inquired as he rested his body against the nearby wall of the "Metropolis Mall". The muscular Marine was accompanied by a young woman carrying katanas on her back, who continued having to adjust the glasses she was wearing as she examined a thick stack of papers that had been mailed to them via a large manila envelope.

"I'm positive, sir." Tashigi insisted, though there was a faint trace of nervousness in her voice, sweat staining the forehead beneath her thick locks of dark blue, almost black hair. "It said we would meet with our partners here in "Metropolis Mall" at the big fountain with "our partners", who would then-"

"Heeeeyyyy!"

The two of them snapped their heads in the direction of the voice that had called out, now clearly seeing a pink-haired youth wearing fairly standard Marine youth officer clothes, accompanied by another youth with odd blond hair and a strange pair of sunglasses.

"Ma'aaaam! Siiiir!" Coby called out eagerly, waving his hand in the air back and forth as he and Helmeppo approached their superior officers, nodding politely. "I got the message that I was to meet with you here. We're to be "partners", if what the note said was true."

"Ah, so you'll be assisting us with whatever task our phantom sponsor needs our aid in?" Tashigi inquired, looking very interested...and also happy. Coby was a very nice kid, and he'd recently developed the first level of "Haki", the ability to "hear" others thoughts inside his head, to sense what they were thinking and feeling, to feel their presence. He had the makings of an admiral in him...one day, maybe...

Something was bothering Smoker, though the others couldn't see. There was nobody else in the mall.

NOBODY. And this was a late Sunday afternoon. There was no reason why there shouldn't be hundreds of people all around them. Why was the place so damn deserted?

"If this is for what I think it is..." Smoker whispered quietly, momentarily taking out the cigar from his mouth to sigh and fold his arms. "Then you'll need to grow up, real fast. This is life and death."

"Indeed."

A new voice, calm, collected. They turned their heads to see a man in a fine-looking blue outfit with a comforting face rising out from the barren fountainhead, towering high above them upon a cupid-surrounded pedestal of ivory. He bowed deeply in a respectful fashion before standing back up, placing a hand on his chest. "I represent the United Nations of the United States of America...and I need your assistance."

"I?" Smoker said quietly, dangerously, seeing that Coby and Helmeppo were readying their weapons, Tashigi unsheathing a katana. All he had to do was give the order and this lightweight would be sliced to ribbons.

"What you might not realize, but should...is that your interests are the United Nations interests. MY interests are the United Nations are the United Nation's interests. My interests are the interests of the good people of the United States. And they involve taking down "BORED"."

Smoker's mouth fell open. A horrifying, chilling freeze crept up his spine as Tashigi gasped, her katana falling to the ground as Coby and Helmeppo turned, a confused expression on their faces. "Sir, uh...what the heck is "BORED"?" Helmeppo's grating voice inquired.

"An evil organization. They had contracted me to be an enforcer, lying to me about the contestants that were in their sick tournament." Smoker whispered furiously, his fist slowly clenching tighter and tighter. "Well, I quit working for them when I found out what they were up to, and sent my resignation to them. They didn't like me telling them to eat s—t, so they tried to bump me off..."

"And they manipulated ME into replacing him by framing an innocent...well, MOSTLY innocent man." Tashigi murmured as she slowly picked up her katana, looking her reflection in the blade over as she turned it over and over in her hands. "We escaped from all of that with him and another woman, but Smoker lost good men in the attempt..."

Smoker folded his arms before his chest, eyes slowly closing as his voice became a quiet whisper. "...they were all brave. All of them. Right to the very end. And if you're asking me to oppose BORED...the answer is yes."

"I'm very glad to hear that, Mr. Smoker." The UN Man in Blue said cheerfully , clapping his hands together and rubbing them tightly. "You'll be competing in a tournament against various BORED members and other evil organizations. Why, even the forces of Hell have a stake in this. I've the utmost confidence in you, though. All I ask is that you trust me. Do so...and I'll get you through this alive. That's a promise."

"...I'm trusting you because I don't want this to be the death of these two." Tashigi said, gesturing at Coby and Helmeppo.

"We'll follow you to the ends of the Earth, ma'am!" Coby said, saluting.

"Er...what he said." Helmeppo agreed nervously.

"I'll trust you. Now...I'll add something to sweeten the deal. You'll indeed be fighting against various others in this tournament, all who have their own reasons for doing so. But every time you win, I will tell you a piece of information, VITAL information, that will "sweeten the deal". The more you win...the more you'll know about this tournament and what it's all about." The UN Man in Blue went on.

A brief moment of nervous regret flashed across his face. "But to be honest, I wish I could just tell you it all right now. I would if I could, but I made a promise not to, and I have to honor my promises to my friend."

"...I won't ask ya to break yer promise." Smoker muttered calmly.

"...I appreciate that." The man said quietly.

"You're a big 'ol softy. You might talk all highfalutin, but you're a teddy bear underneath it all, I can tell." Smoker chuckling, throwing his head back and laughing uproariously. "So...where do we head to now?"

The man in blue smiled and pulled out an "Iphone" from his pocket. "I swear, there's an app for EVERYTHING these days...ahhh, here we go..."


	2. Nothing Ventured

**NOTHING VENTURED...**

A 70 yard-wide square, caged in with a 20-foot high mesh fence. Hay bales and low brick walls littered all around, and a 4-foot-deep sand trench cuts diagonally across the odd battlefield. The Man in Blue had bid them adieu some time ago after speaking about their opponent's sponsor...and said opponents would be meeting them here in-

Oh. There they were. The Marines had finally met their first opponents, and were now facing an odd-looking bunch of people who really were...not the typical sort of people they were used to fighting. They had expected muscle-bound thugs, costume-wearing weirdos, not...not THIS.

The first was a blond-haired child with a slightly upturned nose, and a perfectly smooth head that was shaped like an egg. He was wearing a blue ascot and a white shirt, and he seemed rather nervous about this as he was rubbing his wrist and his neck over and over.

"Golly." He said, seeing Tashigi and Smoker as they stood in front of Coby and Helmeppo. "I've never seen an outfit like that, pop!" He told his apparent father, a bearded man with a large reddish goatee and a thick pair of glasses.

But that blond-haired kid was simply BUTCH compared to the wimp to his right, a kid with reddish-brown hair and freckles. He had on a sweater-vest with trousers that looked clearly too short for him. He was looking Smoker over with clear interest, and everything about him SCREAMED the word "nerd".

Smoker had absentmindedly taken his cigar out of his mouth, but smoke was still billowing out all the same, a bad habit he had. The freckled child gaped at this in awe. "Oh MY! How are you doing that?"

"Oh. It's complicated." Smoker said calmly. "And you would be?" He asked them all.

The only manly-looking one of the bunch stepped forward, muscular arms folded. He had a blond mullet and a chin that was so large, even Bruce Campbell would have been jealous. He wore a belt with various knives strapped on, and was clearly used to fighting. "I'm Brock Samson. This is Professor Venture," he nodded at the goatee-wearing man. "And his two sons, Hank," blondie, "And Dean." The reddish-brown-haired kid.

"And...you?" Smoker asked of the two other people who were sitting on a bale of hay nearby. Somehow they'd gotten ahold of some take out Chinese food and were sitting near a stairway that led to a a fairly sturdy wooden platform about four feet wide which ran along the mesh fence on all sides. It was about fifteen feet up in the air, supported by wooden pillars and the surrounding office.

The one wearing the freaky robes stood up, bowing deeply. He had a black hooded garb with a strange haircut of black and grey, and a small beard as well. "Dr. Orpheus, guardian of the fabric of reality."

"Nice outfit." Coby admitted. "I think it's really neat! What do you do for a living besides, well, 'guard the fabric of reality'?"

"Oh, he's a necromancer." His companion, a well-built military man said with a shrug. He was wearing the STRANGEST outfit they'd ever seen, and they hunted PIRATES for a living: golden, Roman armor with a big, bright neon cross on his chest, with a shield that had the same insignia. He had a Centurion-style helmet with living flames rising off, blue and bright, and...

...He wasn't wearing any kind of pants.

"Why are you not wearing any pants." Helmeppo felt the need to ask.

"Oh, they're for squares." The man said. "I'm Shore Leave. Nice to meet you!"

"So you're the one hired by Mr. Offdensen?" Tashigi asked, drawing her katanas as the boys looked to each other, then at Brock. "...sir, can we really fight them?"

"Coby, Helmeppo, you deal with the kids. Go EASY on them." Smoker insisted. "I'll take care of the rest." He added, popping his cigar back into his mouth and cracking his knuckles as he spun his seastone-tipped jutte around and around, smoking rising off his body.

"GOSH." Hank gasped, he and Dean reaching into two bags they'd brought with them, pulling out what appeared to be paintball guns that had been left in bags at the location as Brock pulled out two enormous knives, holding them up in a defensive fashion as Tashigi faced down the necromancer and Shore Leave.

And Dr. Venture?

"I'm just going to, ah, get this working." He insisted, trying finish up what appeared to be a laser gun he'd brought but, regretfully, had not been finished. He'd most likely just snatched it out of his closet and stuffed it in his bag, noticing it was big and bigger meant better.

An idea came to Smoker. He concentrated, his Smoke-Smoke powers suddenly filling the immediate area with smoke, and he quickly whispered to his compatriots.

"Split up. Take them out one at a time."

Quickly our protagonists took off running as Smoker managed to dodge a sudden knife throw from Brock, who twirled another knife in his hands, smiling slightly at Smoker, who looked impressed. "You could hear me?"

"I had a feeling you might try this. But I've been trained for such situations."

"Not bad. Not bad. I won't use any fancy tricks." Smoker decided, returning to his normal form and taking up a fighting stance as the rest of the group, with the exception of Dr. Venture who had accidentally knocked a leg off of his special laser, took off running after their own opponents. The two muscle men circled each other, sizing each other up.

"I know your type. I'm not afraid of ya. You're a CHOIR BOY compared to me, a f—kin' CHOIR BOY." Brock growled.

"I know your type too." Smoker whispered. "You want to put the knife in me..." he twirled his jutte as Brock licked the knife. "And look me in the eye, and see what's going on in there when you turn it, that's what you want to do...right?"

"Then let's PARTY." Brock laughed.

Meanwhile, Dr. Byron Orpheus was watching Tashigi was in a swordfight with Shore Leave, who was proving himself to be FAIRLY competent, but it was becoming increasingly obvious as time went on that Tashigi was merely taking the man's measure. The two were fighting at the office of the paintball grounds, and tables, desks and windows were being broken to pieces in the ensuing scuffle.

"ERG! I'm! Getting! All hot and sweaty! Never thought I'd be doing this kind of workout with a LADY." He admitted, laughing slightly as Tashigi managed to knock him back a few feet with a sudden twisting kick, holding her katanas up in a diagonal fashion.

"I've had a lot of experience, sir." She said calmly. "Don't you know who your employer IS?"

"Oh, he seems harmless." Shore Leave insisted.

"That's not what **I** heard." Tashigi told him.

"He needs the assistance that only I can offer. And I shall GIVE that assistance." Dr. Orpheus insisted to himself, holding his hands high as pulsing necromantic power rose from them, his face scrunching up slightly in concentration. "Corpses lying within the floor, I command you now to LIVE ONCE MORE!"

With that, much to everyone, even Dr. Orpheus's surprise, bony hands rose up, bursting through the floor and tugging equally decayed bodies up, many of them oddly feminine in appearance, wearing the faint tattered remains of clothes as Tashigi blinked in surprise.

"How can there be so many people here buried under a PAINTBALL GUN FIELD?" Tashigi wished to know, tilting her head to the side.

"Honey, they throw some really hardcore birthday parties here." Shore Leave mused. "I've been here with some dear friends before."

"What **kind **of frie-"

"What the heck? Ohhh, no way, honey." Several apparently male skeletons insisted as they looked over Dr. Orpheus's outfit, shaking their heads back and forth.

"No, n, this just won't do, you are TOTALLY clashing here and here." Another said, pointing from the good doctor's robe to his boots.

"**Makeover**!" The undead all cried out happily, pulling Dr. Orpheus away with Shore Leave following him into the office's closet, much to Tashigi's surprise.

"What...the...?" She murmured, mouth slowly opening, eyes widening, almost dropping the sword. It was the strangest thing she'd ever seen. Was that...MUSIC...coming from in there?

**_You... came into my life... and my world never looked so bright! Yeah!  
It's true...you bring out the best in me!  
When you are around, when you are around, all things just keep getting better!  
It keeps getting better...life keeps getting better and better... _**

"Uh...you know, I'm going to count this as a win." Tashigi decided, rolling her eyes and heading out the entrance. This was just too weird.

Elsewhere, Coby and Helmeppo were hiding behind the wooden pillars that held the platform up as the Venture Bros fired off their paintball guns in the two marines's generation direction, one brother at a time.

BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA. BUDDA-BUDDA-BUDDA.

"Your turn!" Hank called out cheerily, nodding at his brother who unleashed hell in the direction of Helmeppo, who ducked his head back behind the wooden pillar.

"YOUR turn!" Dean called back.

"We need to get closer to them." Coby whispered over in Helmeppo's direction, panting slightly, sweat going down the brow of Helmeppo like he was stuck in a sauna. "When they call out again, we'll use "Soru" and get over to the next row of pillars, getting closer and closer. Does that sound like a plan?"

"I'm right behind you." Helmepoo said. "Really. I'll be right behind you. I'd prefer not to get shot."

"Wait, hold on..." Coby said, eyes closing as he concentrated. You see, Coby had a unique ability known as "Haki" within him. As aforementioned, it helped him hear the voices of others, know what they were thinking. The two brothers they were facing had NO idea who their benefactor was and were nervously thinking about how odd he'd come off...and also, what they were going to do if-

Their paintball guns had actually jammed. JAMMED.

Now was their moment. Coby and Helmeppo could now use their hidden technique of **Rokushiki**. Rokushiki, or the "Six Styles", were advanced hand-to-hand combat techniques that could transform an ordinary person into a superhuman fighting machine. "Soru" was a super-speed technique, meant for quick movement that allowed you to, for a brief period of time, attack at a higher speed and with a greater power, to move as lightning.

The jamming of the Venture Brother's guns on their high-up ledge meant that Coby and Helmeppo had a spot. Activating Soru, they vanished like mist into the air, kicking off the pillars they'd been hiding behind, leaping forth at the brothers, back onto the second floor, their weapons held in their sheathes. After all, they didn't want to KILL these guys.

All of time moved in slow motion as Coby and Helmeppo drew their arms back to snap their respective weapons into the Venture Brother's heads and knock them out, the two brothers turning, eyes widening as their mouths slowly opened in a long, drawn out "Noooooooooo".

The sound of the two brother's heads colliding in a coconut-like fashion was oddly delightful, and the two fell to the ground, almost unconscious, as Coby and Helmeppo let out a sigh of relief. That hadn't been too hard! Standing up tall and proud, they held their respective weapons at the boys.

"Do you give up?" Coby asked.

"We give. I **guess**. Awww, pop ain't gonna be happy." Hank mumbled out, shaking his head back and forth.

Elsewhere, Brock Samson was still in a swordfight with Smoker, the two respective fighter's weapons clanging off each other over and over, their strikes causing an echo effect through the air as Dr. Venture continued to try and fix his laser, much to no avail.

"Take your time, doc. I've got this." Brock insisted, managing to pin Smoker to the ground for a moment before being forced off, wheeling back for a second...

But just a second. He managed to block a quick strike from Smoker's jutte with his two knives, sliding down and tossing one of them at Smoker's leg, almost slicing through a tendon.

Smoker growled in pain, reeling back slightly as Brock pulled out another knife. Yeah, he was running out of knives, but they kept getting bigger and BIGGER.

"Surprised you haven't pulled a gun." Smoker admitted as the two jumped back at each other, exchanging blows.

"I don't NEED one." Brock laughed, flexing his muscles and grinning proudly. "A gun is a coward's weapon."

"Heh. You know, I like you." Smoker said. "It's too bad you're fightin' for the wrong side." He insisted, twirling his body and performing a sweeping strike with his seastone jutte, managing to catch Brock off guard and knock him into a wall, JUST as Dr. "Rusty" Venture finally fired off his laser...

It had been aimed at Brock. And instead, it Smoker, who blinked in surprise as he looked down at his brightly-glowing, icy-blue-aura'd body. Dr. Venture groaned, slapping his hand over his face and chewing on his lip. "CRAAAAAP." He moaned. "The accelerator missed."

"Accelerator?"

An idea. A crazy, ludicrous idea.

But an idea all the same. Quickly, Smoker rushed forward, clonking the good doctor on the head and making him fall to the ground as Brock jumped out of the wall (he had actually formed a small CRATER, neat, huh?), rushing forward with his knives. He soon found himself unable to compete, as Smoker spun around him, whacking and striking at him with his jutte, moving faster and faster.

The marine had become a blue blur, as Brock was viciously assaulted from all angles at insane speed, finding himself being DRILLED into the ground below during the assault from the physical forces that Smoker was creating from spinning around him so quickly. Soon Brock was buried up to his chest, hands held close to his sides, the knives buried in the ground as Smoker held his jutte in front of the mullet-wearing man's head.

"DO it." Brock growled. "Go on. Finish it."

"No. You fought well. Surrender with dignity." Smoker said quietly, his jaw set like stone.

"...alright." Brock mumbled. "But one day...I want a rematch. On a TRUE field of combat."

"Fine by me." Smoker agreed, giving him a big grin.

One by one, Tashigi Coby and Helmeppo made their way back to their commanding officer, finding an ODD scene before them. Smoker nodded firmly in their direction, telling his story about the fight before asking the obvious question...how had THEY done?

"The boys surrendered." Coby said, jabbing his thumb behind him as the Venture Brothers made their way towards them a dejected look on their faces.

"Tashigi, what about you?" Smoker asked Tashigi. "How did you do against those our...unusual "friends"?"

"...I don't think they'll be bothering anyone for a while, sir. They've been rendered VERY unable to battle." Tashigi told her boss.

"Oh, sweetie, have you SEEN this? It's a conditioner that you can leave in, and it detoxifies the scalp." One skeletal being insisted to Shore Leave as he and Dr. Orpheus sat in chairs in the office, the undead horde all around them. "It's a charcoal-based thing, does WONDERS for your hair."

"But you've not got any kind of hair at ALL." Dr. Orpheus insisted. "This is positively OUTRAGEOUS, this...this can't stand. Look, how long do you intend to keep us here?"

"Oh, dear, you seem tense." Another skeleton said, patting him on the head. "You want some shiraz?" It asked, holding up a bottle of some kind of wine.

"We're gonna be here FOREVER, aren't we." Dr. Orpheus moaned. "Oh GOD, I am in **HELL**."

"Speak for yourself, baby." Shore Leave laughed as he felt the skeletons add a conditioner to his hair and got to work with a towel. "Ahhhhhh. It's like they're scrubbing all of my cares away..."


	3. Brotherhood of Evil Board Games?

**BROTHERHOOD OF EVIL****...****BOARD GAMES?**

"...a satellite." Smoker inquired, rubbing his chin. "You say the reason the UN is involved is to control a satellite."

"Yes. This satellite has a death ray mounted upon it, and we want to get it out of the reach of any potential ne'er-do-wells, and if you've seen the news, you know there's been a rise of them recently." The Man in Blue informed Smoker as they all made their way down the street towards the Metropolis National Convention Center.

The Man in Blue then shrugged, sighing slightly as a slightly crazed look crept into his eyes. "I'd tell you more, but that's really all you need to know at the moment. I'll be responsible for obtaining the things necessary to get ONTO the satellite, and if all goes well, we'll be able to not only obtain IT but proof positive of certain...individuals...and organizations...wrongdoings. Proof to get the AVENGERS or the JUSTICE LEAGUE on them!" He threw back his head at this, arms stretched out, laughing maniacally as Team Venture blinked stupidly, looking at themselves.

"...you know, your sponsor raises more questions than the one WE had, and I am most decidedly certain that man was a force from HELL." The good doctor Orpheus mused, rubbing his chin as they finally reached the convention center.

It's was definitely a nice place on the outside. Pristine white walls, a high ceiling, plush red carpeting leading them inside...the interior was also fairly well-decorated, there were banners placed up all over, and many a poster advertising dozens of conventions that had and would be taking place lined the walls. Some were up for clearly "historical coolness" reasons, like an old "Star Wars" and "Indiana Jones" set of posters, and, luckily, there had been tables with various drinks and snack foods set up in the far end of the convention hall by a series of escalators.

Passing under a crystal chandelier and past a small series of big, white pillars, they snacked away at the various hot pockets and punch offered up at the table, hearing people descending the escalators. Tashigi raised an eyebrow, glancing over in the direction of the Man in Blue. "Who are our opponents?"

"Well, I should warn you they're fairly...odd."

"Trust me, I doubt anybody could be any odder than THESE guys." Tashigi insisted. "I mean, we've fought some odd characters in our time..."

She stopped when she saw the ones descending the stairs, Coby and Helmeppo looking at each other in confusion, Helmeppo slightly quivering as Smoker calmly took a drag of his cigar. "...well. Slightly odd, I suppose..."

What stood before them were, quite simply, in a word, mutants. Specifically, the "Brotherhood of Evil Mutants". At the forefront were two individuals who appeared to carry themselves in such a fashion that it was clear they were the leaders: a man in a helmet with a purple and red color scheme, a long purple cloak to match, gloves and boots included and white hair barely visible under the helm as he hovered slightly off the ground. Standing next to him was a lean, slightly pale-skinned beauty who happened to be wearing a red dress-like outfit and a set of tipless gloves which allowed her to show off her sharp nails, as red as her ruby lips and with gothic-style black hair.

But they weren't half as odd as the long-tongued man who stood nearby, with slimy-looking hair and a metallic "hunch" for armor, bugged-out eyes gazing at them all as he sat on the shoulder of a man who could only be described as a giant BLOB with poorly-cut and poorly brushed brownish/blond hair. Standing near him and munching on a hot pocket he was holding in well-fined, nails was a man with pale teal armor with metal shoulder pads and knee pads to match, with styled-back silver/white hair who appeared to be the kind of person that had ADD, he kept twitching as if wanting to run off.

"...and you'd be?" Smoker asked calmly.

"I am Magneto." The hovering man in the cape said. "My associates and comrades, Scarlet Witch (the gothic woman), Toad (the long-tongued man), The Blob (...well, who do you THINK?) and Quicksilver (Mr. Silverhair). We...are the Brotherhood."

"The Brotherhood of what?"

"Well, just...the Brotherhood." The Man in Blue interjected. "At one point it was "Brotherhood of Evil Mutants" but "Brotherhood" just sounds far more catchy."

"...quite." Magneto mumbled, looking him over. "You're from the United Nations, I take it. Will you be so kind as to explain what our challenge here shall be? We've been quite...bored...here. Not that there aren't some interesting things left from other conventions long gone-"

"I found this nice "Mad Max" costume in a pile of-" Toad began to say before the Blob gave him a look. "What? I was a fan."

"Wanna know a secret?" The Blob asked, lifting up his ENORMOUS shirt.

"GAAAAUUUUHHD." Tashigi groaned, seeing the man's enormous "moobs" as Helmeppo almost vomited and Coby turned red in embarrassment at what he was seeing, Smoker "harrumphing" at the sight of a giant "Mad Max" tattoo on the Blob's chest.

"It's ironic that you're "Bored"..." The Man in Blue said as he headed over to a table to the right, rummaging inside it. "Because the challenge here...is bored. "**Bored Games**"!" The Man in Blue laughed, holding up a "Monopoly" board.

Crickets chirped. A wolf howled. Mouths gaped.

"...really?" Scarlet Witch asked. "...you're REALLY gonna go that route?"

"...yeah...this is a dumb, dumb round." The Man in Blue admitted.

"This is insulting to our intelligences." Dr. Venture mumbled quietly.

"Let's just get this stupid thing over with." Quicksilver growled angrily. "I'm not playing though. I have better things to do...like use the bathroom!" What he DIDN'T add was that he planned to go in with a convention poster of Princess Leia in her skimpy "prisoner" outfit. What? He was a big Leia fan. Plus, he'd run through the whole damn convention hall eighteen times over, he was really, really bored.

"Well, one or two of you have to play. Them's the rules." The Man in Blue insisted, waving his hand in the air in a dismissive fashion. "I assume you all know HOW to play it, right?"

Nods all around save for the Marines, who scratched their heads, shrugging. The Man in Blue sighed. "All right, the game is essentially about getting as much wealth and property as possible. So, uh...who wants to try their hand at this?"

Helmeppo's hand immediately went up. "I'll do it!" He said eagerly.

"I guess I'll join in as well." Tashigi admitted. "I really liked board games when I was younger. I played chess all the time."

"Oh, really?" Magneto looked interested. "It shall be good to play an intellectual. Who would like to join me?"

"I'll be happy to do it, sir!" Toad said eagerly, waving his hand in the air high above his head, emitting a mumbled "kiss-ass" from Scarlet Witch.

"How **do** you play this game exactly?" Tashigi wished to know as the Man in Blue set it up by a circular table in the center of the convention hall.

"Well, that's a good question!" Board James said as held up the Monopoly board and laid it out on the table, the others looking on, blinking in surprise. "The object of the game is to become the wealthiest player through buying, renting and selling of property. First, select a banker. He'll be in charge of both the bank funds and his own funds."

"...oh...kaaaaaay..." Tashigi murmured. "Helmeppo, would you like to be the banker?"

"Oh, quite!" Helmeppo agreed.

"I should warn you all, NOBODY likes playing board games at our headquarters with Helmeppo." Coby spoke up nervously. "Mostly because-"

"Each player is given $1500 divided as follows: 2 $500's, 2 $100's, 2 $50's, 6 $20's, 5 $10's, 5 $5's, and 5 $1's. All remaining money and other equipment go to the Bank." Board James went on, adjusting his red cap. "After you select a token to play as, each player in turn throws the dice. The player with the highest total starts the play. Place your token on the corner marked "GO", then throw the dice and move your token, in the direction of the arrow, the number of spaces indicated by the dice. After you have completed your play, the turn passes to the left."

"...I see." Magneto tilted his head to the side ever-so-slightly. "We should probably agree on a time limit. Say, two hours?"

"Oh, it shouldn't take that long to win. We don't need a stinkin' time limit." Smoker said, shaking his head back and forth. "Let's just play this thing."

"Hold up, I haven't explained it all yet." Board James insisted.

"Where did you COME from anyhow?" Dean asked.

"If I told you, I'd have to kill you." The cap-wearing human said darkly, flames momentarily rising around him as faint Latin chanting swam through their ears for a few moments. Wisely, they decided to sit down, shut up, and listen to him explain the rules.

Once he was finished, Board James folded his arms, smiling proudly. "My work here is done." He said, taking out an umbrella and waving farewell as he floated out through the door, the Man in Blue waving goodbye.

"Sniff...he's...he's a BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL man." The Man in Blue whispered quietly, tears brimming in his eyes.

"This is confusing." Brock grunted, folding his arms as he turned to Smoker.

"Well, let's get going with this, then." Tashigi decided, handing the dice to Magneto to let him roll the die first.

...

...

...

... "Come on doubles! Double-licious-doubles!" Helmeppo laughed happily. "Double-double-doubles! I am imagining doubles...I am envisioning doubles!" He held the dice up, shaking them in his hands over and over, sniggering broadly. "I want doubles, double-double-doubles! Let's go, doubles! I want doubles! Come on, doubles!"

"...this...is getting annoying." Toad mumbled quietly as his head hit the table, his fingers scrunching up his hair.

"Am I to imagine nobody ever wins at games with your friend because they always quit?" Dr. Venture asked Coby.

"Clearly, you've played with people like him before." Tashigi noticed of Scarlet Witch as she calmly looked through a copy of "Gone with the Wind".

"Yes. The hard part is finding a book that's BIG enough!" The gothic woman said, shrugging. "Scarlet O'Hara IS beautiful." She mused privately. "And she knows that red looks good on everything. One thing my dad got right."

"He's your FATHER?" Tashigi inquired.

"Yes, our father. And y'know? I'm thinkin' we should have settled for the time limit." Quicksilver spoke up.

"...yes. Yes, I'm beginning to regret my dismissive attitude earlier." Magneto mused to himself. "I have never been so immensely bored out of my life with a board game before."

BRIIIIIING! BRIIIIIING!

Quicksilver went to the phone. "Hello?" He demanded. "HELLO? Speak up! I can't freakin' hear you!"

"Listen up, you little punk."

"...DEADPOOL? Is this YOU? You better watch your tone!"

"I've got a little surprise for you. I left it in that Monopoly game.

Quicksilver paled slightly, sweat breaking out as he realized what Deadpool was implying. "...what...kind of surprise?"

"A bomb. A VERY SPECIAL BOMB. See, it's actually based off the weight in the box...specifically the area that holds the money. Now, if it stays above a pound, that's all well and good. But if you run so low of money that it drops below a pound in weight, then...BOOOOOOOM."He whispered.

"...dude, speak up. I SERIOUSLY can't hear you."

"It. Goes. OFF." Deadpool said coldly.

"Aw, sh-you...I'LL GET YOU LATER!" Quicksilver snapped, slamming the phone back down onto it's hook, turning to the board. They needed to finish the game and NOW while there was still some money left in the "bank". "Uh, father, listen I just got a call-"

"I'm gonna go order some pizzas." The Blob spoke up. "Anybody wants one, they'd better speak up now and fork over some cash cuz I'M not payin' for it."

"I could go for something with a lot of MEAT on it. Smoke sausages." Smoker said gruffly, putting out the fifth cigar he'd been smoking. "...and I'm runnin' out of cigars. Might need to make a run."

"I'll come with too. Anythin' is better than stayin' here." Brock spoke up, grunting as he rose up from his chair.

"Wait. I'm...could you explain that revenge scheme again?" Dean Venture asked of The Man in Blue.

"Prometheus wanted to get revenge on the Justice League of America for taking away several years of his life. This plan required him to steal bits of VERY advanced technology, from time machines to teleporters, so that he could teleport whole cities into other dimensions, which they'd still be able to survive in, despite no access to air, power or food so that the heroes OF the respective cities would feel bad for losing so many people."

"Uh-huh."

"Father, Deadpool just called me and-"

"To accomplish this, he brings a whole bunch of supervillains into one spot, told them to wait, and then released word "on the street" that there was a supervillain meeting. This was done so that the Justice League could show up, and he, impersonating Captain Marvel, would arrive in Gotham, join up with them, save them from a bomb to convince them that he's who he says he is so they can let him onto their satellite."

"That really relied on a LOT of coincidences. Why couldn't he just, like, kidnap their grandmas or something?"

"These people live in a world where logic has no meaning, Dean. I mean, think about the people YOU regularly fight." The Man in Blue insisted.

"Fair enough! Say, uh, Mr. Magneto?"

Magneto looked up from the board. "Yes?"

"Did anything really unusual like that whole "Prometheus thing" happen to you?"

"HELLO? Is anyone LISTENING?"

"Well, actually yes, there were a few moments." Magneto admitted, nodding his head. "You see, I've actually died several times."

"Oh. Really?" Dr. Venture's eyes widened and he rubbed his chin as an intrigued glimmer rose in his eyes. "And yet somehow, here you stand before us." The good doctor was no stranger to death...in fact, his children, Hank and Dean, were actually clones. Shh. Don't tell anybody. ;)

"Oh yes, and my most recent death was quite the doozy." Magneto went on, gesticulating with his hands as his tone became commanding and authoritative in his attempt to tell his tale, Helmeppo STILL trying to "envision doubles". "You see, I turned out to be a Mangeto robot built by Factor 3 to fool Lorna Dane into thinking that I was her father-"

"No sir, that was the second time you died, back in the 60's." The Blob spoke up, shaking his head back and forth.

"Oh." Magneto pursed his lips slightly. "Well, uh, after being possessed by Apocalypse-"

"No, Dad! That was Cyclops." Scarlet Witch interjected, shaking her head back and forth.

"Hmm. Uh...let's see...oh, right." Mangeto snapped his fingers. "After infiltrating Professor Xavier's school disguised as a Chinese mutant with a star inside his head named Xorn, I shot Emma Frost, hopped myself up on drugs, destroyed New York, threatened to reverse the magnetic caps of the planet and then Wolverine lopped off my head. And I killed Jean Grey."

"She's dead AGAIN?" The Man in Blue wanted to know.

"There's a bomb in the monopoly box!" Quicksilver snapped, folding his arms and rolling his eyes.

"No, she's better now. But that actually wasn't really me. It was Xorn's twin brother, possessed by the sentient mold Sublime, pretending to be me, pretending to be Xorn." Magneto explained.

Hank's head promptly exploded as Dean let out a horrified screech. "OH MY GOOOD! _OH MY GOOOOOOOOD!_"

Brock sighed, quickly getting behind Dean and grabbing his neck in a choke-hold, snapping it cleanly as Dr. Venture took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, Helmeppo dropping the dice, fainting dead away as Coby let out a screech and clung to a clearly horrified Tashigi, Smoker frowning darkly. "...now I'm going to have to boot up two more clones." Dr. Venture sighed.

"Clones? They were clones?" Smoker managed to finally ask. "How about WARNIN' us next time before you do something like that?"

"Oh look. Helmeppo's rolled the dice." Tashigi realized. "Go ahead, move five spaces and then give the dice to Toad."

"Yes, because you see...I'm really in the mood for DOUBLES." Toad laughed evilly, throwing his head back and cackling as lightning split through the air.

"THERE'S! A! BOMB! IN! THE! BOX!" Quicksilver yelled out.

Silence for a moment. Then...

"...I already dealt with it." Scarlet Witch said, holding up a sparkling, sizzling little circular metal thing that had been underneath the "bank" in the box. "Hex magic's so handy."

Quicksilver gaped at this. "How long ago did you deal with it?"

"When we first started playing.

"...**SONOFA-**"

...

...

...

...Time passed. Money changed hands as the dice bounced off the board time and time again. The hour began to slowly wind down as it finally all came to a single throw of the dice.

Tashigi and Mangeto were tied in terms of money and property for first place. It would really result to who would pass "Go", getting 200 dollars and, hopefully, landing safely on their own property. Tashigi held the dice in her hands, eyes closed as she took in long, deep breaths, a bead of sweat trickling down her forehead before she released the dice.

It bounced once...twice...and then...

Snake eyes. Putting her squarely on Mediterranean Avenue. Her territory. She was now 200 dollars richer, and if Magneto also landed safely it would mean another go around the board. He took the dice, shaking it in his gloved hand before finally releasing it out over the board.

Snake eyes. Only this wasn't enough to get him over "Go". It put him squarely in the "Income Tax" section of the board between Park Place and Boardwalk.

"Time to give to the bank. And you know what they say...giving is it's own reward." The Man in Blue chuckled.

"**NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!**" Mangeto howled, clenching his fists tightly as his cape billowed out behind him, the sound of wailing sirens echoing through the air as, moments later, police officers rushed inside the convention center, putting all of the Brotherhood in handcuffs before they knew it. "What in the?"

Angrily, Mangeto tried to activate his powers, but for some reason, his magnetic abilities weren't working. "The handcuffs...what is the meaning of this?"

"Heh. Gadgets work." The main arresting officer mused as the other members of the Brotherhood soon found themselves all as weak as newborns, being shuffled out into different cop cars. "You're under arrest for tax evasion, Magneto. You and your accomplices have the right to remain silent. Anything you say..."

"...what just happened?" Dr. Orpheus asked, turning to the others, an obviously stunned expression on his bearded features.

"Just go with it." The Man in Blue laughed. "Well, it appears as though you're the winners." He told the Marines. "I think we should celebrate. Let's get out of this stuffy convention hall and go to a good Chinese buffet..."


End file.
